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prettydysfunctional

The chaotic ramblings of a retired adult industry entertainer.

Tag

overcoming grief

Four

Tomorrow my son turns four years old.

At the time of his conception, I was living in a hostel (flophouse would be more accurate) in East Los Angeles.  Overwrought with grief.  I had basically settled into there with the intention of dying.

I was doing enough modeling and adult work to keep me housed and fed.  Went out dancing a lot.  Slept around.  Did far too much partying.  Fortunately, I never overdosed or developed a dependency.  Lord knows I deserved both.

It was a very bleak pregnancy.  And I can’t say that mothering him alone has been any easier.  Being a single mom is stressful, exhausting, and isolating.

My son saved my life.  Gave me a purpose that I never thought I’d have again.  Started my 30’s off on a preferable path.

The kid is intelligent and full of talents.  He is the very definition of an extrovert.  A little entertainer and everyone is his friend.  Can’t wait to see what the future holds for him.

Just praying that I can be the kind of mom he deserves.

Happy birthday to my little Sagittarius.  I love that little punk to pieces.

 

<a href="https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/underdog/">Underdog</a>

I have to

Survive

I saw this prompt this morning and thought that I would go to town with writing.  Now it’s the end of a long, exhausting day…and all I have going on is some insomnia and a case of writer’s block.

I miss my children.  I’ve cried so hard that I thought I would break.  I’ve wanted to die so badly that it hurt.

But (unfortunately for me), I have to keep going.

Otherwise, they’ll have no other options than to believe the lies that they’ve been told about me.

If I kill myself, I become the “crazy” that they grow up being told that I am.

So here I am.  Living.  Pursuing.  Succeeding.  Kicking life right in the ass.

Folks could say a lot of things about me.  But I’m not crazy, and I’m not a failure.

So every day I endure.  Because I have to.

Not for me.  For them.

 

 

 

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