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prettydysfunctional

The chaotic ramblings of a retired adult industry entertainer.

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On a personal note, I was baptized yesterday.  It has me feeling a bit invigorated, so I thought I’d post some of the small things that I do to try and help others.  Poverty and especially homelessness are issues that hit close to home for me.  Overcoming those challenges continues to be a struggle.  But I’ve come a long way, and I’m very fortunate.

I skipped over blessing bags because information on those can be found everywhere. So here are 5 of my favorite, simple (and low cost) ways to help people in need.

  1. Quarters. Quarters go a long way when you’re on the street.  They can be used at the laundry mat.  Vending machines.  Pay phones (if you can find one). Or even to buy single cigarettes (don’t be judgy).
  2. Umbrellas. This isn’t homeless specific.  The dollar stores usually have umbrellas for sale.  I keep a stash of them in my car and hand them out when I see folks caught out in unexpected rain.  In particular, the people stuck waiting at bus stops that don’t offer any coverage.
  3. Bottled water. This is an obvious one.  I always have extra bottles of water for when I see people who look like they could use it.  Bonus if you keep some of those water flavoring packets on you.  The bottled water tastes fine.  But chances are that bottle is going to be re-used.  And water fountain water is so nasty sometimes that it’s hard to choke down.  You can have a flavor packet already scotch taped to the side of the bottle as you hand them out.
  4. Bus passes. This may vary by city and state.  But if you live somewhere where you can purchase daily bus passes ahead of time, they are helpful to keep on hand.  A lot of people hit me up for change because they say they need to buy a bus pass.  So I’m able to give them a pass right then and there instead of cash.  Sometimes they take it, sometimes they don’t.  But the bus can be a blessing for those who need a ride to a shelter or soup kitchen that’s across town.  It’s disappointing how resources are spread out across major cities.  I know that sometimes people will turn around and sell the bus pass for cash anyway, but it’s out of my hand at that point, so I never worry about such things.
  5. Gift cards. You go to a fast food place, and there’s someone there asking for money.  You don’t want to give them cash, and I don’t recommend just buying them whatever food you think is sufficient (you don’t know about potential food allergies, etc.)  Instead, you can buy a small gift card and hand it to them on the way out.  Then they can ration it however they like.  It’s a more significant help than you realize because now they can buy some coffee or whatever and use the bathroom and get a break from the elements without being accused of loitering right off the bat.  Obviously, this can also be done at places like Target, etc.

I will do much more in the future to help tackle this complicated issue.  But in the meantime, these are some of the small things that I can do to try and make a difference.

 

Secluded

I’m just giving a middle finger to the world for now and doing me.  I’ve provided so much of myself freely.  My body, my thoughts, my name, my privacy, my life has all been out there for public consumption.  I gave so much and received nothing more than a few dollars and some (mostly unwanted) attention in return.

And it’s never enough.

I am still bombarded with emails and private messages from complete strangers.  People who demand answers about where I am and what I’ve been doing with myself.  Men begging me to get back into porn.  Spamming my social media pages with vulgar pictures of myself.  Telling me how much they “love” me as they’re making my life hell.  Not to mention the sickening amount of focus that many dudes seem to have on my daughters.

I take responsibility for making this bed.  But seriously, fuck ya’ll.

But since folks want to be nosy.  I’ve been hanging out with my kids, working, and in my free time, I’m trying to learn coding and other computer related skills.

 

 

 

Maybe I’m just mean

Detonate

The story of my life.  Had been texting a bit with someone new for about a day.  He’s decent looking.  Seems nice.  Easy enough to talk to.

We’re a whopping 30 messages in overall when it starts.

“Send me a picture of your feet”.

I made it clear that I wasn’t going to do that.  He told me that it was a simple request and that we should start learning to please each other now.  I blocked him.

Every.flipping.time.

Where are the boundaries?!?  I talk to a LOT of guys.  And usually, it ends after about 10 messages because at that point they are already starting to make demands.

“Send me more pics”, “let’s facetime”, “drop everything and meet me at a bar right now”. Or God forbid I go and pee without my phone.  I always come back to the “did I scare you off?” I swear nothing turns me off faster than that last one.

Whatever happened to conversations?  Getting to know somebody?  Taking a minute to pursue them if you’re sincerely interested?

Am I expecting too much?  Am I just a bitch?  Did all the negative porn experiences make me too sensitive?

I have no idea.  And frankly, I’m not sure I care.

I’m at the point where I would rather die alone than put up with any of these weenies on a regular basis anyway.

My Granny has been single by choice for over 30 years now.  I used to think it was odd.

Now…I think it’s brilliant.

 

I have to

Survive

I saw this prompt this morning and thought that I would go to town with writing.  Now it’s the end of a long, exhausting day…and all I have going on is some insomnia and a case of writer’s block.

I miss my children.  I’ve cried so hard that I thought I would break.  I’ve wanted to die so badly that it hurt.

But (unfortunately for me), I have to keep going.

Otherwise, they’ll have no other options than to believe the lies that they’ve been told about me.

If I kill myself, I become the “crazy” that they grow up being told that I am.

So here I am.  Living.  Pursuing.  Succeeding.  Kicking life right in the ass.

Folks could say a lot of things about me.  But I’m not crazy, and I’m not a failure.

So every day I endure.  Because I have to.

Not for me.  For them.

 

 

 

Exposed

Exposed

I wish that I was ugly.

My opinion of my own looks is very poor.  I see every wrinkle, line, blemish, and bulge and wonder why I’m often referred to as “pretty”.  I understand that conventionally I meet the standard definition of attractive.  But when I look at myself…blah.  And it’s nothing that self-love, or affirmations, or even therapy is ever going to fix.

You’d never know it based on my life decisions.  My poor grammar probably doesn’t help either.  But I’m actually smart.  I’ve even been officially tested and all that jazz.  School is a breeze for me, I read very quickly, can pick up languages with ease (except for Spanish, Spanish and I just don’t get along lol)

So I often wonder what my life would have turned out like if I hadn’t spent my entire childhood hearing nothing positive about myself, except for: “you’re beautiful”.

I didn’t have any encouragement or positive role models anyways.  But if I was ugly would I have focused more in school?

If I was less popular in school, would I have partied less and gotten into less trouble (that snowballed as I aged)?

Would all those men who eventually destroyed me, have ever been in the picture?

Most importantly, would the porn career that’s wrecked me, have even happened at all?

No way of ever knowing.  But I like to fantasize about an alternative life.  The one where I was born ugly.  And now I’m a happy chiropractor living somewhere in a flyover state.  Loving my job, my house, my and taking vacations.  I bet I’d even have an equally ugly husband and a couple of unattractive kids.  Probably a couple of dogs and cats in the picture too.  Sounds like a wonderful life.

I wish it were mine.

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