The chaotic ramblings of a retired adult industry entertainer.




*****I don’t generally do any trigger warnings since the entire blog is a free-for-all of adult topics.  But if you’re at all sensitive…just skip this post*****



I’m not sure of the reasons why.  But the children are being eaten alive.  They know they are going to die.  Most seem oddly at peace with it.  Many have their favorite music playing to help distract them from the pain.

I’m forced to eat some of my son.  Carefully I scrape off the smallest pieces of his skin that I can get away with.  He’s being so brave and is really proud of himself for not crying.

My time is done and a man is there, ready for his turn.  My expectation (hope) was that he would be as cautious as I was.  I assumed that he’d try and drag the process out the same way that I did.  Attempt to minimize the boy’s suffering.


He digs right in.  Cutting, stabbing, consuming.  And he refuses to let me hold my sons hand during the process.  The boy is crying, and clearly in agony.  I’m frozen by the horror of it all and how helpless I am to do anything about it.  Even though I know my son is about to die, I can’t fully comprehend it.


I don’t have a good way to wrap this up.  My stomach still feels icky over this one.  I have nightmares almost every night, but this one is really sticking with me.  Probably because it hits too close to home.  No, I’ve obviously never had to eat a child.  But I am lost as to how to help one of my children who desperately needs assistance.  I still can’t wrap my mind around some of the things that have happened.  Feel like I’m living out a bad Lifetime movie or something.

Happy Holidays.



Tomorrow my son turns four years old.

At the time of his conception, I was living in a hostel (flophouse would be more accurate) in East Los Angeles.  Overwrought with grief.  I had basically settled into there with the intention of dying.

I was doing enough modeling and adult work to keep me housed and fed.  Went out dancing a lot.  Slept around.  Did far too much partying.  Fortunately, I never overdosed or developed a dependency.  Lord knows I deserved both.

It was a very bleak pregnancy.  And I can’t say that mothering him alone has been any easier.  Being a single mom is stressful, exhausting, and isolating.

My son saved my life.  Gave me a purpose that I never thought I’d have again.  Started my 30’s off on a preferable path.

The kid is intelligent and full of talents.  He is the very definition of an extrovert.  A little entertainer and everyone is his friend.  Can’t wait to see what the future holds for him.

Just praying that I can be the kind of mom he deserves.

Happy birthday to my little Sagittarius.  I love that little punk to pieces.


<a href="">Underdog</a>


Dancing is one of my most beloved things to do.  My preference is goth or industrial clubs.  I delight in dressing up, hitting the dance floor, and letting the music move me for hours.  No alcohol needed.  90% of the time I go alone.  Many nights I don’t speak to a single person.  Just slink in, dance, and exit once I’ve exhausted myself.  The dance floor is my happy place.

Recently I went to the Zelda symphony.  It was one of the most amazing experiences that I’ve ever had.  I’m not a gamer, but Zelda holds a very special place in my heart.  Some of my very first memories are of playing the original Zelda game.  I credit that game for developing my creativity and shaping my imagination.  The music was incredible.  Combined with the visuals and stories from Zelda…it all made for an unforgettable event.


Just wanted to take a break from gripping about the sex industry and how it’s impacted my life.  So there’s a little bit about me. 🙂


<a href="">Dancing</a>



I have no idea how many people I’ve been with.  There’s no way to ever know. Hundreds? Thousands? Honestly, the number would be staggering.  I most likely wouldn’t want to know.

Even though it’s said to be false, I think about that article that said women obtain some of the DNA from every man she’s ever had sex with.  You know what kind of monster that makes me?

Cells from all those deficient, fleshy, rancid, dense, pitiful excuses for men all swimming around inside of me.  Forever.

No matter where I go, or what I do.  There’s no washing it off.  No forgetting.

I can never just be me again.  And that’s something that I’m always going to have to live with.

But keep telling me how “harmless” the sex industry is.






<a href="">Proxy</a>































I’ve been casually texting back and forth with some dude from the internet.  We haven’t met in person yet, and this is very new.  Tonight I see a message from him that says:

“Are you affectionate?”

My reply: “Gonna have to be more specific.”

Him: “If we were together and I couldn’t keep my hands and lips off you, would that be a problem for you?  Would you feel the need to reciprocate?”

There were 100 different ways I wanted to reply in a way that would be the equivalent of “you’re an idiot” or “go fuck yourself”.  But I couldn’t even bring myself to reply.  I’m just too over it.

Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon question for guys to ask (please don’t ever ask a woman that). So here are my words of wisdom to the menfolk.

Any woman can and will be “affectionate”.  But not if you work her nerves before you’ve even met in person.  Not if you’re going to kill a good conversation by trying to start a stupid sex talk through text.

I’m sure he’ll write me off as a “bitch” or a “prude” like all the internet morons do when I don’t entertain their nonsense.  Little do they know the kind of “porn star” sex that they could have had if they had just put on some patient pants and done some proper courting first.


Women are different than men when it comes to sex.  This is not fresh information.  I feel like the topic has been beaten to death.  Yet, clearly many aren’t grasping it.

If you want an “affectionate” woman and the benefits (good sex) that accompany that…then you’re gonna have to put in some work.  You know, treat her like a person first and all of that.

Otherwise, it’s going to continue to be a lot of rejection and mediocre one night stands for you.



<a href="">Loyal</a>

Not Royalty

I’m a single mom to a son.  I don’t do the “king” or “prince” stuff with him.  He’s an adorable little boy.  A bit of a handful.  Of course, I love him to pieces.

However, I’m aware that he’s human.  He has the same potential as anyone else to grow up and be a jerk.  So I’m a bit firm with him.

I don’t want to be that mother in law who treats any person he brings home like dirt, because I assume my son is better than any of them.

I won’t coddle or excuse his bad behaviors just because he’s my little boy.

It sounds harsh.  And it certainly isn’t the popular opinion in single mom groups.

But I do love him and want the very best for him.  I just don’t agree that treating him like he’s better than others is the way to accomplish that.





<a href="">Fashionable</a>


Independent Hooker

Most of the men out there looking for prostitutes insist that they’ll only consider a girl if she’s “independent”.  Meaning that she works alone, and not with a pimp or agency or whatever.  They’ll claim it’s for safety reasons (which is stupid, there’s nothing “safe” about buying a prostitute).  But I think it’s really more about them wanting to purchase sex, without feeling like they’re sleeping with a real prostitute.  Independent escorts feel fresher to them, less used up.

Going to break down for you why this is all stupid.  If she’s truly independent (no agency, booker, pimp, etc.)  Then she’s probably not making much money.  You want to know why?  Because you all are dumb and needy.  You can only fuck so many men a day when your entire day is spent answering irrelevant emails and text messages from guys who probably don’t have any money anyways.  They just sit at home jacking off to your replies to their “what are you eating for lunch today?” questions.

So if somehow she is working solo, then she’s that escort who spends most of your visit ignoring you while she does stuff on her phone…

For practical reasons, it’s much easier to work with an agency.  Your scheduling and booking are all handled for you.  All you have to do is show up, fuck, and collect the money.  Half of it (at least) will go to the agency, but thanks to them you’re able to make a lot more…so it works out.

Especially because since around 2008, most dudes don’t want to pay more than $100-200 for sex anyways.  So you really need to see a bunch of men a day to make it worth it.  (Keep that in mind when you’re seeing an escort, she probably has to see 5-10 of you fools a day).

Side note while I’m ranting.  If you’re going to see an escort, brush your teeth and wash your ass first!  It’s not shocking why so many have to pay for sex…

Anyways.  So it is much easier to use an agency.  However, agencies will treat you like shit.  And I’ll save those specifics for another post.  But it’s not pretty.

If you’re looking for a prostitute, remember that she’s likely not working alone.  That may make you feel weird, but it’s probably saving her a lot of grief.  However, the people she’s working with are more than likely treating her like dirt.

Maybe knowing this sucks the fun out of it.  But there’s the truth.






<a href="">Deny</a>




Did a little bit of shopping at the mall tonight.

Went through some mean girl shit from the associates at the makeup store.

Was stalked through the lotion store by an associate who insisted that I listen to every promotion they’re offering.  Never mind that they have the same information clearly posted all over the darn store.

Then waited in line for almost half an hour at the department store, just to purchase one cardigan.

Just can’t fathom why retail is struggling so bad…

Won’t miss it.  I’m standing out on the front porch giving it a good ol hillbilly wave goodbye.







<a href="">Crumb</a>


I’ve attended the same church for about a year and a half now.  Show up almost weekly, donate money, volunteer for special events.  I’m always hearing about how desperately they need assistance in the children’s ministry.  So I submitted the application (size of a darn phone book).  Provided them with my excellent references (that they both called and emailed to verify).  As well as providing consent to the complete background screening (I don’t have any sort of criminal history).  The director was so excited that I had applied and told me she’d get back with me asap after everything finished processing.

It’s been over three months and I never heard from her again.

I’ve been rejected.

There’s only one thing left that would have caused them to dismiss me.

A Google search.

The content that appears when you look me up on Google has caused me to lose:

  • countless potential jobs
  • possible relationships
  • budding friendships
  • I’ve been kicked out of “mommy and me” type of groups
  • and now apparently it’s cost me the ability to work in the nursery at church

I’m not any kind of anti-porn crusader.  I have no desire to try and make any changes regarding the porn industry.

But there are costs associated with it that my 18-year-old self couldn’t have wrapped my mind around.  Ramifications that I would have never considered.

And is it really worth it just so a bunch of dudes can frequently hunt me down and message me just to tell me that I’m “hot”?



<a href="">Peculiar</a>

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