My heart won’t stop racing. I feel sick. Everything moves like it’s in slow motion. It sounds like I’m underwater. I have all the time in the world. No job. No kids. So much I could accomplish. But I can’t. The stress of being alive and trying to survive the day takes it out of me. I am a loser. I step away often to have quick sobs to myself. I feel so alone. “You’ll be ok” or “you got this” will be all I hear if I bother to speak up again. But I am NOT ok. I don’t got this. I play by the rules. Go to the clinic. Pop the pills. They do nothing besides make me fat. If I’m lucky, the clinic will agree to see me and talk about it again, six weeks from now. In the meantime, I can go fuck myself. There are no other resources. This is the reality of being poor and crazy in Arizona. I’m suffering. I can’t go yet. But I’m not promising to go on like this until I’m old either. Nobody should have to continue this way and it’s cruel to force the expectation on me. I love my children but I have failed. I’m sorry.
I’m done with writing. Done with this blog. I’m done with pictures and videos. I’m over being stalked on social media. I’m over not being good enough. I’m hurting and it’s not something that’s going to go away. No “you can do it!” or “give it time” is going to help. And I’d prefer it if people didn’t lie to me anyways. There’s plenty of other washed-up old porn actresses to follow. This one just wants to be left alone now. I’m tired. I’m done. Thank you for being here with me while it lasted. I wish you all well.
So nothing worked out like I had expected it to. I’ve been very sick and dealing with a lot of pregnancy-related illnesses (it really does get more difficult after 35). Not only did I not accomplish much in the way of photos or filming. But I also had to leave my gig at the financial institution (a job that I loved and was lucky to have).
The baby is due soon and part of me is terrified. But another part of me feels in my gut that everything will work itself out.
Now that I’m officially unemployed, I feel safe enough to share this picture from when I was around 36 weeks pregnant. I got huge this time (yay for gestational diabetes and polyhydramnios)…but I kinda like how the weight looks on me.
Wishing everyone well. 🙂
“The More Things Change, The More They Remain The Same” – Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr
“Once a Whore, Always a Whore” – my mother
Yeah, so, I’m back at it (kind of). This is my sixth pregnancy and I’m obviously older than I was during the others. I’ve gained more weight. I earned a few stretch marks and funky veins this time. Yet somehow, I’m feeling pretty darn good about myself. I’m loving my big belly and feeling oddly confident in my skin right now.
So I’ve dipped my toe back into the waters that I know too well. I’ve done a few sets of photos and short video clips. Just received a new webcam and I’m looking forward to playing with that. I’d love to shoot some full scenes, but the industry still gets on my nerves…so I’m not sure it will happen.
Maybe I should feel guilty, but I don’t. At this point, I don’t feel like the industry can cause me any more grief than it already has. Plus I’m really doing things on my own terms at the moment. And it does feel good to be good at something.
So there it is.
Television had me convinced that if my children ever came out as gay, I was guaranteed to have some certain feelings about it. Even if I was supportive, I was supposed to be a bit upset and worried about their future. Maybe a bit mournful over how things could have been. No matter what, there was supposed to be some drama involved.
Well shockingly enough, television was wrong. Didn’t really feel a darn thing. I’m happy that they’re figuring themselves out, and that they’re comfortable enough with themselves not to hide in the closet.
There was not an iota of grief, regret, anger, fear…nothing.
Therefore my bout with Christianity seems to be over for now. I can’t sit in a building full of people who hate (or even just feel the need to “pray for” my kids), just because of who they’re attracted to.
I know that there are “tolerant” and “open-minded” churches out there. But the religion as a whole has made their opinions on the matter clear. And I just can’t participate in any of that. I’m still cool with Jesus, and I’ll continue to donateand serve others like I believe he’d want me to.
The world is difficult enough without having to hide who you are or pretend to be something that you’re not. I’m not the loud and proud, PFLAG attending, type of person. But I do love these kids more than anything, and they fill my heart with pride every day.
Yesterday I hit the 3rd trimester. This has been the fastest pregnancy ever. I keep begging the universe for more time. An elephants gestation period or something. But the universe just seems to be laughing at my requests.
I’ve been rather sick and on temporary disability from work. Feeling like a big ol loser at the moment. But I know a lot of that is hormones, and that this too shall pass.
I haven’t done any modeling, etc. due to being ill. But I will be taking some maternity pictures soon. I have zero interest in little chalkboards or making a heart with my hands in front of my belly. No desire to hold tiny sneakers next to my bump or use alphabet blocks that spell out his name. And I’m definitely not feeling those awkward pics where the expecting couple embraces each other while topless and making googly eyes at her belly.
I’m really wanting to do some post-apocalyptic boudoir/maternity type of pictures. Though folks give me a weird side-eye when I tell them that lol.
So because people are nosy and have been asking. Yes, I am pregnant (again). This will be baby number 6. Yep, another (adorable) biracial baby. And no, I haven’t done any scenes or anything else like that.
If my teenage daughter and I see a spider in the living room at night, we’re going to panic.
When we realize it’s the size of a tennis ball, we’ll get the shop vac to suck it up.
After we’ve sucked it up, we’ll squeal and chuck the shop vac out onto the porch (if it gets stolen, it gets stolen).
Then we’ll realize that we need supplies, so we’ll go to the 24 hour Walmart to purchase natural bug sprays (and maybe some snacks).
Once we make it home, it’ll be time to wash every blanket and piece of bedding that we can find.
While the bedding is in the washer, we’ll tear apart the couches and beds to check for more bugs.
By then, it will be time to blast everything with the natural bug sprays.
After the place has been doused with essential oils, we’ll realize that we’re suffocating a bit.
So we’ll open up all of the windows, and go outside for some fresh air.
We might eat some snacks.
Afterward, we’ll put the place back together. Then we’ll realize that it’s very late, and we are exhausted.
So we’ll get into our beds, and play on our devices all night long.
Because once we’ve seen a spider in the living room, there is no way that we are going to sleep that night.
On a personal note, I was baptized yesterday. It has me feeling a bit invigorated, so I thought I’d post some of the small things that I do to try and help others. Poverty and especially homelessness are issues that hit close to home for me. Overcoming those challenges continues to be a struggle. But I’ve come a long way, and I’m very fortunate.
I skipped over blessing bags because information on those can be found everywhere. So here are 5 of my favorite, simple (and low cost) ways to help people in need.
- Quarters. Quarters go a long way when you’re on the street. They can be used at the laundry mat. Vending machines. Pay phones (if you can find one). Or even to buy single cigarettes (don’t be judgy).
- Umbrellas. This isn’t homeless specific. The dollar stores usually have umbrellas for sale. I keep a stash of them in my car and hand them out when I see folks caught out in unexpected rain. In particular, the people stuck waiting at bus stops that don’t offer any coverage.
- Bottled water. This is an obvious one. I always have extra bottles of water for when I see people who look like they could use it. Bonus if you keep some of those water flavoring packets on you. The bottled water tastes fine. But chances are that bottle is going to be re-used. And water fountain water is so nasty sometimes that it’s hard to choke down. You can have a flavor packet already scotch taped to the side of the bottle as you hand them out.
- Bus passes. This may vary by city and state. But if you live somewhere where you can purchase daily bus passes ahead of time, they are helpful to keep on hand. A lot of people hit me up for change because they say they need to buy a bus pass. So I’m able to give them a pass right then and there instead of cash. Sometimes they take it, sometimes they don’t. But the bus can be a blessing for those who need a ride to a shelter or soup kitchen that’s across town. It’s disappointing how resources are spread out across major cities. I know that sometimes people will turn around and sell the bus pass for cash anyway, but it’s out of my hand at that point, so I never worry about such things.
- Gift cards. You go to a fast food place, and there’s someone there asking for money. You don’t want to give them cash, and I don’t recommend just buying them whatever food you think is sufficient (you don’t know about potential food allergies, etc.) Instead, you can buy a small gift card and hand it to them on the way out. Then they can ration it however they like. It’s a more significant help than you realize because now they can buy some coffee or whatever and use the bathroom and get a break from the elements without being accused of loitering right off the bat. Obviously, this can also be done at places like Target, etc.
I will do much more in the future to help tackle this complicated issue. But in the meantime, these are some of the small things that I can do to try and make a difference.