Adrift

I don’t get those “I love being a single mom because it’s twice the love” and whatever women.  Maybe I’m just envious of them.

I think being a single mom sucks.  There, I said it.  And I don’t really care what feminist, mom, or progressive hates me over it.  Of course I love my child (because someone always has to go there).  But these circumstances are not how I’d ever wish to raise a kid.

We are so alone.  I joke on Facebook about a family adopting us for holidays.  But it’s not a joke.  Holidays are incredibly lonely and boring for us since we have no one to celebrate with.

He’s constantly in daycare or with the nanny.  Over 60 hours a week.  The mom guilt over that is all-consuming.  I know kids all over the world have it worse.  And I should chill.  But this is my baby and I’m not going to just chill.  He deserves better.

I’m constantly sick, stressed, and frazzled.  I just want to run away, but there’s no where to go.  I want to just be sad in bed alone for a while.  But I can’t ever truly relax because he’s always in the back of my mind somewhere.  I want to not live in fear of catching germs, because there’s no greater hell than trying to take care of a hyperactive toddler boy when all you want to do is puke.

I have the basics down (food, clothing, shelter).  But the enjoyment part is missing.

If there’s a secret to this, will someone please let me in on it?