“Please talk to us about how you are going to talk to your children about your career, or how you did if you already did. Thanks!”

The kid is napping and I’m procrastinating, so why not.  My children range from the age of 3 – 13.  The middle children are being raised in an environment where they already aren’t being told many positive things about me.  So honestly, that’s a losing battle.  They’re pretty sheltered at this point, and I know they don’t know yet.  However, the day will come.  And it will just be one more reason to hate me.  So I made my peace with that a long time ago.

They will always know who I am, and where I am.  So if the day comes where they want to get to know me.  The real me, and not the version that their minds have been poisoned with.  Then I’ll always be available for that.  And if/when my previous career comes up…I mean, what can I say?  I don’t know how I’ll feel years from now.  But at this moment, I’m torn on the issue.  I wouldn’t say I regret it.  But I can’t say that I’d make the same choice if I were to get a do-over either.

And if we’re going to be brutally honest.  The older I get (or maybe the more stable I get), the more the pregnant scenes are the ones that ick me out in retrospect.  At the time, I gave it zero consideration.  But it started their lives out with a taint that I don’t think they deserve.  I may be a hot mess.  But somehow, I managed to produce a lot of amazing, talented, and creative kids with some big personalities.  And I’m not proud that that was their start in life.

My 13-year-old is the one that I’ll likely have to explain it all to, and soon.  She’s 13 going on 8.  She’s the opposite of “growing up too fast”.  She relishes being a child and has no desire to give it up anytime soon.  But I’ll have to tell her eventually.  She and I have the strongest bond.  And it’s like telling a kid that there’s no Santa.  You want to tell them before they find out the hard way.  Over the years I’ve casually mentioned jobs like stripping, etc . to her.  Never that I did them, but that they exist.  So I guess I’ve begun planting the seed.  But this is a kid who won’t wear a bikini and thinks that alcohol is evil.  I do not think she’s going to take well to finding out that I did films while she was in my belly.  I know she’s going to feel violated.  And there’s nothing I can do now to fix that.

So I guess my plan is that I have no plan.  My past is my past.  I can’t change it.  And I’m not sure if I’d even want to.  It’s going to come up eventually.  With which kids, or in what context…I don’t know.  I mentally prepared myself a long time ago to not have relationships with most of them when they’re older.  Not because I don’t want that.  But because I don’t expect it after everything (films being a part of that).
I love them all more than they’ll ever know.  I’m sorry if those questionable decisions ever cause them pain or negatively affect their lives in any way.  And the only way I may ever get to apologize is through this blog.  So thank you for asking Phill.  Maybe you didn’t intend for it to be a thought-provoking question.  However, I feel better for having the opportunity to process all of that.