I’ve been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to start this. I check Facebook. Then I browse for new cookbooks. Pet the dog. Go grab my coffee. Anything but be still. Being still hurts. It’s when I notice the buzzing.
Something really bad happened a few weeks ago. My heart has been shattered and my life turned upside down. I’ll share it, but not now. It’s not the point of this entry.
Since then I’ve just been existing. I went through a gobbling Ativan, and watching Bob’s Burgers while curled up in the fetal position stage. Now I’m at a just barely functional stage.
I go to work. I do my volunteer work. I care for my dogs and keep the house clean enough. I even get out for appointments and the occasional social event. And I’m pretty damn proud of myself for that. Because all I really want to do is curl up and die. Or maybe just permanently commit myself once and for all. I don’t know anymore.
But there’s this non-stop pressure in my chest. This non-stop buzzing in my head. A constant “everything is wrong, and you can’t fix it” feeling in the pit of my stomach. Usually a numbness, with the occasional outburst of sobbing. It’s worse when I try and concentrate on anything. Studying, cleaning, even working out.
So I spend hours a day staring at social media, or even just into space. Just trying to get through the hours until bedtime (the panic attacks I have when trying to fall asleep are a whole other story). Then I berate myself for wasting all of that time. Wasting my life.
I don’t have a great wrap up for this. Everything hurts and I’m doing my best to hang in there. All while wondering why I even bother. And that’s where I’m at and where I’ve been.